Embarrassment Is Expensive (And Why You Should Stop Paying For It)
- Lay Jordan
- Nov 29, 2025
- 9 min read
If I said embarrassment is a Luxury, what thoughts would that trigger for you?
Embarrassment is something I’ve started to think about differently as someone who grew up constantly feeling embarrassed to a point where it held me back from socializing.
I remember hating Spanish class, not because I wasn’t interested but because it always felt to invasive in terms of what we had to share. I remember being in 6th grade and the unit was about family. We had to share about what our parents did for a living.
For my mom, I kept it vague by saying “Mi madre trabaja en una escuela”, since I didn’t know the term for what she did but then teacher asked about my dad. I believe I paused for a moment a little taken back because I already offered information I was comfortable sharing, so I replied “He’s dead but when he was alive, el trabaja un pintor para unas escuelas”.
The grammar was definitely wrong, but internally I was panicked and kinda mortified. I wish she moved on instead of wanting more because as one of the few black girls in that room I was always in my head about feeling different, and that feeling of other-ness was added simply because I didn’t come from a two-parent household. It didn’t help either that I knew nothing really about my dad or his side of family since they never really made an effort with me until I was 16, and it was really only my older siblings from him, not my aunts or my grandma.
The Shift to Young Adulthood: When Embarrassment Became About Where I'm At
As a young adult, embarrassment was no longer about things that were about my upbringing or home life, but about where I’m at in life. I think the worst thing about being a young adult is the pressure by everyone about where you’re at in life and what you are doing with your life. People ask about relationships that are no longer in your life, when are you planning to have kids, what job do you have, what are you going to do now with the invention of AI, because what you want “isn’t a safe career path” (but if we are going to be so for real- what job is actually safe?
Government jobs used to be looked at as a safe role and for days with the government shut down people were not getting paid, Education and Nursing are things that are necessary but have shortages due the poor treatment, even jobs like writing/ journalism, production, modeling and honestly any jobs that required you to work tools isn’t safe and any jobs that has someone working above you who may or may not abuse their power isn’t safe.), and so many other questions when you are just trying your best to make good decisions for yourself and not fall into a deep set depression that would make you want to make a decision you can’t undo.
I apologize for the dark remarks, but it’s so true that people constantly keep adding pressure, which pushes feelings of frustration, resentment, and of course, embarrassment.
Young adults who can’t really get assistance from their family with their path (whether it’s knowledge, having money to help with their dreams, knowing the right people to help them build their network, teaching them financial literacy, teaching them how to obtain things when pursuing higher education, telling them about the other options like trade school so they don’t waste time trying to fit into traditional paths etc.) cannot afford embarrassment.
So at the peak of my processing of everything I experienced so far in my young adult life, I really kept thinking how because security is an illusion, so is embarrassment.
The Hot Take: Embarrassment as a Luxury We Can't Afford
This might be a hot take, but I have to say it:
Feeling embarrassment is something only allowed when you have something to also fall back on and when you don’t, it just simply hinders opportunities for yourself.
Cue the boos.
Cue the tomatoes.
Cue the eye rolls.
Listen, I know this is a take many people don’t want to hear or believe in. In your head you are probably looking at what I said sideway and going “This [bleep] can’t seriously be saying this as if it is a choice for me to be embarrassed”.
No, I don’t think we choose how we feel, I think the choice aspect of feelings comes from the way we react to them and take action on them in general. I like to see emotions as waves that crashes in and out. I also like to recognize emotions are also like colors. If you know even the basics as art (me because I didn’t get the choice of being in art class), there are primary colors and secondary colors.
Girl… What does any of this have to do with emotions?
Give me a second, and walk with me
The way there are primary colors, there are “primary”(core) emotions. There are 3 primary colors (In the traditional model- red, yellow, and blue), and in terms of core emotions, there are about 4-8, depending on the model you believe in. In terms of the most common ones by Paul Ekman, there are 6: happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise, and anger.
Embarrassment is a secondary emotion, a blend of fear, sadness, and self-consciousness. Thinking about it this way helps me understand that embarrassment isn't the root problem; it's a symptom of deeper feelings.
The High Cost, Low Return of Embarrassment
When you don't dig deeper to understand what's really driving embarrassment, you're building on an unstable foundation. Sure, there might be a few ways embarrassment could push you toward growth if you use it as motivation rather than letting it stop you. But here's the reality: embarrassment is a hefty price to pay with very few returns on investment.
With embarrassment, you exclude yourself before anyone else does. You settle for less out of the fear for asking for more. You don’t set standards for yourself because when you feel too embarrassed to want more and feel too afraid to deal with feelings of disappointment.
But at this point, everything is so embarrassing.
It is embarrassing to be a late bloomer (even though it allows you more time to discover).
It is embarrassing to do things from an earlier time (even though you may not have had good interactions or failed, you also get to learn from those things firsthand).
It is embarrassing to want to post and do social media (even though visibility creates opportunities).
It is embarrassing not to post/be a consumer of media (even though it is a choice of privacy, and you don’t need to share everything for it to be a real accomplishment).
It is embarrassing to be single.
It is embarrassing to be in a relationship.
It is embarrassing to be unemployed (even though being jobless doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t do any work- a person can be volunteering, building their network, working on projects, etc., but just not necessarily getting paid for the work they are doing).
It is embarrassing to have jobs that are gigs/service/part-time (even though it may not be your dream career at the moment, you are still doing something to help cover your basic needs).
Everything feels embarrassing until you get your desired outcome. Whether something is embarrassing depends entirely on how you choose to look at it. But here's the main point I want you to take away from this:
Feeling embarrassed is a liability to the quality of our lives, that many of us simply cannot afford.
I also find it so ironic that we get so embarrassed over things like asking for help and advice, starting conversations, wanting to be acknowledged, wanting feel seen, wanting to be loved, etc.
Why aren’t we more embarrassed by staying in situations that aren’t creating a positive life experience, holding on to people, staying exactly the same instead of evolving as a person, being a flat layered personality, needing to always look at what is popular to feel apart of something instead of forming your interests (and yes it is normal to like some things that are popular but many people because of social media base their interests based on is it something going viral and that is a whole other issue for another day), etc.
I think this shows there could be a positive return for embarrassment, but many people’s embarrassment don’t lead to the ability to transmute it in order to utilize it.
… Low key, it’s kinda tragic.
My Choice: Rejecting Embarrassment as the Path Forward
So, I don’t know about y’all and maybe this did nothing for you or you still think this perspective is nonsense (which is fair because I’m not here to convince you), but I don’t want to feel embarrassed about where I’m at in life and I’m choosing not to because at the end of the day as long as a person is actively taking action towards their dreams, why should they feel embarrassment?
If you're still reading and this resonates at all, I want to share some journal prompts that really helped me in this area and allowed me to really be honest with myself.
Journal Prompts:
If embarrassment wasn't a factor, what would I be doing differently right now? Be specific. Would you be reaching out to someone? Starting a project? Asking for help? What's the real cost of not doing these things?
If I removed the word "embarrassing" from my vocabulary for a month, what actions would I take that I'm currently holding back on? List them. Then identify which one would create the most meaningful change in your life if you acted on it today.
What "safety net" do I have (or not have) that influences how much I can afford to feel embarrassed? Consider: family support, financial cushion, connections, time, health. How does this reality shape what risks you can or cannot take? If embarrassment is costing me opportunities, relationships, or growth, what is the actual price I'm paying to protect my comfort? Calculate it honestly. What have you already lost by playing it safe?
What have I been avoiding because I'm afraid of how it might look to others, and what story am I telling myself about why I "should" feel embarrassed? List 3 specific things you've been avoiding. For each one, write down what the worst-case scenario actually is and whether you can survive it. Then dig deeper: trace back where this embarrassment comes from. Is it actually your belief, or something you absorbed from family, society, or past experiences? Finally, ask: who benefits from me keeping this hidden? Who loses out when I stay silent?
What would I tell my younger self about the things I'm embarrassed about now? And when I think about my life 5 years from now, what would I be more embarrassed about: trying and failing publicly, or never trying at all? Write a letter to both your younger self and your future self. Notice if your advice to younger you contradicts how you're currently treating yourself. Then explore what future regret might feel like. Would you rather look back on public failures that taught you something, or on all the moments you stayed silent and safe? Which embarrassment can you actually live with?
I’m not trying to come off as woe as “woe is me” with the following thoughts, but this is a PSA moment. If you have family wealth, connections, or a safety net, you can afford to let embarrassment stop you from reaching out, taking risks, or asking for help. You'll be fine either way. But if you don't have those things? Every opportunity matters. Every connection could change your trajectory. Embarrassment becomes a luxury you literally cannot afford because the cost of inaction is too high. So the next time you feel embarrassed about where you're at, ask yourself: Can I actually afford to let this stop me? Or is staying stuck the real thing I should be embarrassed about?
--- ABCs of Adulting: 21 Days to Get My Life Together” is a framework for simplifying the often overwhelming journey of becoming a functional, self-sufficient adult. It's a concept that breaks down the complex process of "getting your life together" into a series of manageable, bite-sized lessons. Each letter of the alphabet represents a different aspect of personal growth, a practical skill, or a key mindset shift.
I created this mini-series as a way to lead up to my final days of being 23. While I typically write extensively researched content, especially as supported content for A Little Atypical, I wanted to challenge myself to write from my heart and emotions for once. I tend to approach things from a logical standpoint, but this is my opportunity to step outside that comfort zone and share more personal perspectives.
This is the series list, and with every update each one, will be hyperlinked
Day 1: A - Aging: Learning not to fear it
Day 2: B - Beauty and Body changes
Day 3: C - Why people struggle Cleaning the clutter
Day 4: D - De-centering Romantic Relationships
Day 5: E -
Day 6: F -Fate or Freewill
Day 7: G & H - Generational Trauma and Holding Space for Forgiveness
Day 8: I - Impatience has a hefty cost
Day 9: J - Justification Journey: From Excuses to Action
Day 10: K - Knowing: Who's Really Making Your Decisions?
Day 11: L - Lists That Keep Me Moving Forward
Day 12: M - Managing Emotions and Expectations about Adulthood
Day 13: N & O - Navigating Professionalism and being Open to improve
Day 14: P & Q - Prioritizing a life of Quality
Day 15: R - Ready: My word of the year for 2026
Day 16: S - Sleep is not one-size-fits-all
Day 17: T - Taking a Step Back and the Right to Disengage
Day 18: U - Uncertainty to Upgrades
Day 19: V - Visible: The Art of Imperfectly Showing Up
Day 20: W & X - What's Next? My Xtiles
Day 21: Y & Z - Saying Yes for more Zest
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