Decentering Romantic Relationships
- Lay Jordan
- Oct 7
- 7 min read
The other day, I saw a TikTok of someone in their late 20s talking about having a Saturn-ruled 7th house. I was actually one of the first few people to see it, and I was the commented. I said the following
Cancer rising, currently 23 (turning 24 in a few weeks) and my Saturn return won’t be until June 18, 2031 so I decided to let go of my finding the loml and just fall back in love w/ life
I truly meant it because this is the first time in my life that I’m not really interested in romantic relationships. I only had 1 relationship for 4 years, and it wasn’t this horrible, traumatic experience like some people face. It helped me grow a lot, and it happened at a time I truly needed support from someone in a way I couldn’t get from family or friends.
I consider myself lucky to say the worst thing about it was that it seemed like we weren't on the same page emotionally, and just seemed to have different communication styles. It kinda saddens me the way things turned out because part of me did feel like with some space away from each other to get to know ourselves and to focus on ourselves as individuals, that maybe somewhere down the line, when we are more rooted in ourselves that we can try again.
However, yesterday was the confirmation that there is truly no going back. When we broke up, we agreed to remain friends, so I saw no problem wishing him happy birthday since we share the same birthday month.
All I said was “Hope things are going well for you. Enjoy your birthday! 🎂 ” with one of those happy birthday gifs on iMessage. Personally, I didn’t think much of it because I sent something similar to my other friend whose birthday happens to be on the same day.
So, at best, I just thought he would just reply thanks since it didn’t leave room to be open for a conversation, or he wouldn’t reply. But he replied, “No thank you.” It was odd for 2 reasons:
I thought we were at least cordial/ still friends because neither of us said otherwise
It came off as passive-aggressive when I was just being polite
One thing I’m proud about is that instead of crashing out, I just journaled. Part of me was triggered because I don’t like conflict (it’s the Libra Sun in me), but I also hate not knowing where that energy is coming from or if I did something to make them have animosity towards me (the Cancer Rising in me).
So through journaling, I had to process that his response wasn’t about me. It wasn’t necessarily a response to the message, but a reaction that doesn’t have to do with me personally. A lot of times we view other people’s reactions as an attack on us when really that isn’t the case. I can look at it as a boundary he set that I am meant to respect and feel grateful in the sense that I know where he stands.
Maybe it is the full moon in Aries, but I’m also grateful this happened because honestly part of me lost myself with him, and the worst part is it was my doing. I never set strong boundaries, and a lot of the decisions I was making were through the lens of seeing us as a unit. I don’t think he saw us the same way and part of me wishes I did the same because I was going through a whole identity crisis in 2021-2022 and I think part of me was afraid to evolve because I liked having a partner, I liked having my friends from high school and I didn’t want things to change back then in terms of dynamics.
But I want to be clear that by no means am I diminishing romantic relationships or saying you shouldn't desire them. I think they're beautiful when both people can grow together and support each other. The problem is when your entire identity and happiness become dependent on being in a relationship.
One reason 2024 was so unstable is that everything felt up in the air between our relationship and me figuring out what I want to do with my life. We broke up in September 2023, but when he sent a Valentine's gift in February 2024, part of me hoped that it was sign we could try again back then but came summer there was a lot of disappointment and confusion. By mid-October, I tried to move on but part of me realized that just jumping into the next thing won’t help me.
Growing up, I used to do this thing where I kinda forced myself to focus on someone new when I had a crush that I was tired of being emotionally invested in. Having come from a long-term relationship, I didn't want to repeat the cycle.
So I made a promise to myself that I will actually try to decenter romantic relationships to start creating love in my life through the skills i develop, the hobbies i keep up with, my friends, my family, and just find all the little ways to love life a little more each day.
De-centering romance doesn't mean giving up on love - it means creating a full, rich life where a partner would be a wonderful addition, not the foundation. It means understanding that meaningful connections come in many forms, and all of them deserve nurturing.
We are 10 months into 2025, and decentering romance and trying to create it in other forms has been so freeing. While sometimes I do miss the idea of being in a relationship because as far as I can remember doing life with someone, my person, is all I ever wanted, but relying on someone to make your life feel fulfilled robs you of having an ecosystem of what makes life living and puts so much pressure on one person.
I've come to realize that by de-centering romance, I've actually created space for deeper self-knowledge and more authentic connections. That message exchange was a gift - it closed a door I was still peeking through, allowing me to fully step into this new chapter. While I'll always value the growth from that relationship, I'm excited to continue building a life that feels complete on its own terms.
This journey has taught me that love isn't just found in romantic partnerships but in countless moments of connection with myself, others, and the world around me. By expanding my definition of love, I've discovered a richness to life I might have missed if I remained fixated on finding "the one."
Journal Prompts for Reflection
If my need for romantic partnership was actually a metaphor for something else in my life, what might it symbolize? Consider that your desire for partnership might represent other deeper longings - for security, validation, purpose, or connection. Explore what lies beneath the surface-level desire.
What parts of myself have I been outsourcing to romantic relationships? Reflect on emotional regulation, decision-making, identity formation, or other aspects you may have unconsciously delegated to partners.
How would I design a relationship with myself that feels as intentional as a romantic partnership? What rituals, boundaries, conversations, and growth opportunities would you create?
If I imagined love as a landscape rather than a destination, what features would it contain? Visualize mountains, valleys, rivers, forests - what represents different forms of love in your life?
What forms of intimacy am I craving that I've only associated with romantic relationships? Consider emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical intimacy. How might you cultivate these outside romances?
If I approached friendship with the same intensity and intentionality as dating, how would my social life transform? What "friendship practices" would you develop? How would you pursue and cultivate meaningful platonic connections?
What cultural narratives about love and relationships am I still unconsciously carrying? Examine stories from family, media, religion, or culture that may be shaping your expectations.
How might I be using the pursuit of partnership as a distraction from facing certain truths about myself? Consider what difficult emotions or realizations you might be avoiding by focusing on finding a partner.
If I were to write a love letter to my solitude, what would I say? Express gratitude for what your alone time has taught you and how it has shaped who you are.
What parts of my authentic self have I previously compromised in relationships that I can now fully embrace? Identify aspects of your personality, interests, or values you may have diminished or hidden.
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ABCs of Adulting: 21 Days to Get My Life Together” is a framework for simplifying the often overwhelming journey of becoming a functional, self-sufficient adult. It's a concept that breaks down the complex process of "getting your life together" into a series of manageable, bite-sized lessons. Each letter of the alphabet represents a different aspect of personal growth, a practical skill, or a key mindset shift.
I created this mini-series as a way to lead up to my final days of being 23. While I typically write extensively researched content, especially as supported content for A Little Atypical, I wanted to challenge myself to write from my heart and emotions for once. I tend to approach things from a logical standpoint, but this is my opportunity to step outside that comfort zone and share more personal perspectives.
This is the series list, and with every update, each one will be hyperlinked
Day 1: A - Aging: Learning not to fear it
Day 2: B - Beauty and Body changes
Day 3: C - Why people struggle cleaning the clutter
Day 4: D -
Day 5: E - Embarrassment is no longer a factor
Day 6: F -Fate or Freewill
Day 7: G & H - Generational Trauma and Holding Space for Forgiveness
Day 8: I - Impatience has a hefty cost
Day 9: J - Justification Journey: From Excuses to Action
Day 10: K - Knowing: Who's Really Making Your Decisions?
Day 11: L - Lists That Keep Me Moving Forward
Day 12: M - Managing Emotions and Expectations about Adulthood
Day 13: N & O - Navigating Professionalism and being Open to improve
Day 14: P & Q - Prioritizing a life of Quality
Day 15: R - Ready: My word of the year for 2026
Day 16: S - Sleep is not one-size-fits-all
Day 17: T - Taking a Step Back and the Right to Disengage
Day 18: U - Uncertainty to Upgrades
Day 19: V - Visible: The Art of Imperfectly Showing Up
Day 20: W & X - What's Next? My Xtiles
Day 21: Y & Z - Saying Yes for more Zest
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