So I am going to be honest and say this was probably the hardest blog for me to write. I typed so many versions of this post and every time ended up deleting it. I couldn't understand why it was so hard for me until I started to type freely. The truth is, this is such a vulnerable subject for me and honestly I didn't know how to approach it or maybe I was afraid to approach it in the wrong way. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic because I am a hopeless romantic. Growing up, I was one of those girls who loved love. I loved the idea of being in love, having someone by my side and getting married. I even had my ideal wedding planned out before even considering my sweet 16. I wanted to get married either February 12th or May 26th. I wanted a princess dress with a long train and diamonds. I wanted a large wedding cake with a fountain. Most importantly, I wanted an epic love story that included the man who loves me proposing with Justin Timberlake’s “My Love” playing in the background, and my happily ever after.
I had a very idealistic vision of what I wanted but I also feel growing up, I didn't have a true example of what love should be. Everything I wanted was inspired by what I saw on tv and movies. I mentioned it slightly but not specifically because it isn't a topic I like to speak about a lot. My father got sick and died when I was really young age. I was one, turning two so I never got a chance to get to know him. I also never grew up seeing an example of marriage. Women in my family that I knew weren't married for reasons I don't want to get into but I feel like that played a role in how I viewed relationships. One time, at a low point in my life, I started to feel like on the rare chance that I would get a relationship that I would be scared of it not working out because I've never seen it working out. Additionally, I lacked confidence that I would even have a relationship after years of being told I wasn't enough; that I'm too dark, too fat, too ugly etc.
There were so many times I saw potential relationships with guys but they didn't work out because of distance, because the guy was another race and couldn't bring himself to admit he had feelings for me too or he was at a point of his life that he just wanted hook ups. I actually have so many great stories but I think I'll save the specifics for when I start a YouTube channel because if I told those stories now, this post would become a novel. As many problems as there were, one thing I realized was at that point in my life, those relationships would never work out.
Now that I'm far from those times, I'm able to see it. I used to think whenever someone said that "for you to be able to love someone, you have to love yourself first" was so wrong because I didn't feel capable of self love. I had such a bad relationship with myself and I always put people first. I always put their needs before mine and as a result, I didn’t pay much attention to my needs or desires. The thing is, when you constantly put people first and they put themselves first, no one is there for you and your needs which causes you to become unhealthy since your needs have to be taken care of too.
For a relationship to work, you need to be healthy enough so you can communicate your needs and set boundaries. If you don’t know what you want, how can your partner? When I was drafting this post, I actually started to write my needs. I wrote:
I am stronger than I used to be. I used to depend on guys for validation but I grew from that. The reason is because I know I am rare. I am a girl who is not the stereotype so when guys say they would never date a black girl it terrifies them because I break the image they built up in their head. Even though I am stronger, I am still healing and any guy I'm with needs to understand that. My past doesn't defy who I am but it does affect me in the sense of how I go about things. I feel the need to be independent because I haven't seen anyone stay and I also witnessed times where if people were there for someone they hold it against them. Like if someone was to help get them a job, they would throw it back in their face. So I don't like asking for help because I hate when someone throws it back in my face with the lines " I do so much for you". It makes me question someone’s intentions: did they do it because they care about me or did they just want something to lord over my head and use it against me? I want my success to be founded by my own merit. I want someone who supports my goals but I won't ever ask for it. One time, I saw this guy posting to subscribe to his girlfriend's channel and that filled my heart with joy because it shows he really believes in everything she's doing. Right now, my biggest supporter of my dreams is my brother who even pushed me to go further with this blog then I was ever intending to. He told me he believed in my talent of writing and I should go for more. That's the type of energy I need in partner, not just about my dreams but theirs as well. I need someone so motivated to get to their goal achieved that they still try for it no matter how many steps it takes because sometimes it's hard for me to stay motivated but seeing someone else so passionate about what they love makes me feel the same. Also, I need him to understand I had my heart broken and destroyed so many times to a point where I thought I deserved it. I'm slowly gaining back the confidence my past took from me and I can't let anyone keep me from that. I dress a certain way to push myself out of my comfort zone. I post pictures of myself because I want to feel good and proud of myself for how far I came after people belittled me and shrunk who I am. How I dress is important to me because it's one of the few things I can control and I can't have anyone take that from me. I want to grow, I want to feel comfortable in my skin and I want to be heard and allow my story to be told from me. In this process, I need support emotionally more than anything.
Whoever I'm with needs to know I overthink as bad as it is, it also what makes me so compassionate and helps me with my writing. I think all the time about what I want in the future because there was a point I didn't even think I would make it to one. I want so much better for my kids. Don't get me wrong, my mom did the best she could as a single parent and gave me all the things she didn't have growing up in Jamaica. She also wasn't one of those parents that pressed for good grade either but I pressured myself. However being a single parent means there were times where she would stress about bills and raised 2 children alone. I never want my kids to have those worries at a young age.
That's just some of my thoughts and I feel like writing this out helps make it clear what I want out of love. All relationships are different but I do believe for it to be a healthy one, it needs to be honest with ample communication. Whether the person understands or not is out of your control. You did your part by being so aligned with yourself you are able to say what is for you. Please never change yourself.
Before I end this post I think it is important to mention that whether you have a relationship or not doesn't defy you as a person. I feel like the media makes it out that you need romance to be happy but love comes in all forms and I feel like as long as you have love and support from someone (from family, friends etc.) and you are doing something that makes you feel fulfilled (from sports to art to achieving things within your career etc.). So if you feel sad about Valentine’s Day coming up this week, remember that you aren't the only person in the world who hasn't found their match yet but it will happen, just be patient and take this time to learn to love yourself and celebrate that you made it so far in this world and that alone is a strength.
That's all for today! So be sure to like, comment and share this blog post with friends and family if you feel like you've been inspired and also check out other parts of my blog such as my gallery to motivate you and to learn more about me . I hope you are having an amazing morning, day, night etc. whatever time you are reading this and I hope you continue this year with so much happiness, self love and excitement.
Until next time,
xoxo Lay 💋