OD: The Final Goodbye
Updated: Jun 10, 2020
First of all I would like to apologize for not being as active as I’m supposed to. I’m still at a young age and this week has been filled with so much activities. Funny enough as I’m writing this I’m just a few hours away from graduating. Honestly I’ve been trying to figure out what to write all week and I think the most appropriate type of blog for this time is either an either a life update or an open diary even though I want to do reviews or opinionated so this blog post is a mixture of both. I’m at a point of my life where I have to live in the moment yet at the same time be able to reflect on all that I accomplished. So I want to do the thing where people write messages. I saw it on social media and I thought it would make a great blog too write to a bunch of people/things.
You made it further than either of us thought you would and you are slowly growing more and more each day. Sometimes it may be hard to keep the faith but think about all the times you lost it, how many times you thought you wouldn't survive without certain people in your life, how many times you felt like it was the end of the world yet you're still standing. You're still here typing and you're still dedicated to what you love doing. Don't give up and keep pushing because we both know how fast we are able to bounce back from anything life has to throw at us.
Thank you for being both my mom and dad. Single parents don't get enough credit. You have been providing for me and my brother all by yourself and I strive to be as strong and independent as you one day. You always put the needs of your children first. You always try to give us everything you didn't have as a kid and more importantly you give us opportunity to live our dreams and be the best version of ourselves. Even though we may argue at times, it doesn't change the fact we love eachother so much. I really don't know what I would do without you and I honestly never want to find out. You are all I have left and when you talk about how sick you are, I just get scared. There are so many more steps in my life and I want you with me through it all. I want you there when I able to buy you a house, when I have kids, just everything. I hope you can be through it all with me because you're my everything.
Sometimes how I feel about you is conflicted because I didn't get a chance to know you myself. We can't choose what time we go. I don't know you but you are apart of me. I hope you are watching down from heaven and thinking that girl is making me proud.
I'm skipping "Dear crush" because honestly I don't know how I feel anymore, my emotions in that aspect are pretty numb.
Wow, I've been in you for 7 years. You caused me stress and the people in it were the main reason for my anxiety and depression. I may have had some of the worst moments of my life there but you are also the reason I met some of the best people. You also the reason I built character, you also sparked my interests and helped me discover who I am. I can't say I hate you because you are just a building, it's the people in it that make the experience what it is and I think students forget that when they say they hate school. Your workload was extremely crazy and I had restless nights because of you but I am grateful for you because there are so many children in other countries who are fighting for the opportunity to go to school, to get an education and to just make something out of my life... I get all of that because of you so thank you.
I have so many of you but it feels like a barely know some of you. To my closest sibling, I grew up with you've been my biggest supporter since day one. you are absolutely my og best friend and I am so proud to be your little sister. We may have bumped heads a few times but that's just because how close we are. Thank you for the lessons, the late night talks, the video game rounds and all the food you got me. You are the best older brother ever and I'm happy to see the man you grew up to be. You taught me lessons no school could teach. To my other siblings, we have been distant because how large the age gap is. Recently, we've been getting to know each other and I hope we can grow even closer because we are family. Thank you for reaching out and I'll try to do that more often.
Dear Past me,
I'm sorry for everything that happened to you. I'm sorry you believed you deserved it. I'm sorry you blame yourself. You been through a lot that most people wouldn't be able to handle if they know the whole story. You were stronger than you realized and even though thing hurt before you are stronger for it now.
Dear First Love,
You may not know it but you were the first guy I ever said those 3 words to and you may not believe I meant it but I did. It terrified me that I felt the way I did because you were my guy best friend and you may not have realized it but you meant a lot to me. I didn't want to feel the way I did given the history but it happened and I lost you. To this day I still don't understand what I did because how you left it , you just said I betrayed you and blocked me. You didn't even explain anything and when I tried to make amends and for you to explain you just walked away. Regardless of what you say , your actions and your words just don't line up. If you hate me so much, why look at me, why not ignore my existence? It's so easy to forget about the people you care about so if you truly did hate me it would be so easy to push me out of your mind. You also blocked someone because how happy you seen me without you... if you didn't care you would be able to skip pass their story easily. So deep down, I know you do care because how much you have to force me out of your head. I know because how much I have to do it with you and sometimes it's easier to just be angry because you don't want to acknowledge the emotions actually there. We both play the same game but I'm tired of being the one who always tries to make it right. I don't want to end on bad terms with anyone from high school but all of this was your choice. If you ever want to end the game, you know what my number is and you know exactly what to do. No matter how much you hurt me at one point you were exactly what I needed and part of my heart still cares for you so I wish you the best wherever you go.
Dear Future me,
I hope you got everything you wanted. I promise you I am going to keep working for you to live your best life because you deserve it. You been through it and the fact you made it to college and got into the schools you said you wanted to proves once you set your mind to something you can and will accomplish it. All emotions aside to know I got this and I will make sure you are happy even if I have to struggle right now.
Dear Best Friend(s),
To be honest I have more than one of you. You have all been such a positive force in my life and I can't believe after all these years we are going our separate ways. No matter what direction we go our bond is too strong for us to break. You guys we're my rocks and held me down when everything just felt so up in the air. You pulled me out of my depression and made memories we can never forget. I may have been 4-7 years I have known you but it feels like I've known forever and I am so honored to be apart of your path. I hope we stay in touch and I can't wait to see all of you achieve your goals and work towards your professions as doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, social workers, chefs etc. I know you all will make a difference in this world one way or another because how much you made a difference in mine. Thank you all for being you and countless support. You are really all my ride or dies.
Dear future child(ren),
I actually hope there is four of you because my dream from when I was younger was to have a girl, twin boys and then another girl. Regardless of my hope, one of my main concern is make sure you are healthy and happy. I promise to work to give you all the best life I could and I hope we can be a close family the way I always wish I was. I want you all to be able to come to me for everything because I want to be there to guide you and be your number one supporter.
I'm skipping dear person I hate because there is no place in my heart for that and I'm skipping Dear person i love because it such a vague thing. I do believe you can love more than one person but you can never love a person in the same way so it would be too complicated to write.
Dear Ex Best friend,
Honestly If you told me 2 years ago that there would be an ex in front of that title, I wouldn't believe it. At one point in my life you were exactly what I needed. You brought me to a better place then what I was and without you, I wouldn't have some of the amazing friends I have now. I still have a lot of love for you because at one point you were a sister to me. You are part of the reason I love makeup and the reason I fell in love with writing all over again to a point where it's what I want to do with my life. I am so grateful for you and I just hope you know that. I know how I act is confusing but like I said before, sometimes anger is the easiest emotion to process. I can never hate you and part of me just believes your part in my life isn't over. I lost many friends before but you were the one that hurt the most and even now is still the hardest to part ways with. We are both still growing and maybe once we both reach the place we need to be, we can be friends again someday. If we can't be, I hope you find your place in world with friends who bring out the best in you because you deserve happiness and I hope you achieve your goals in the medical field and save lives the way you saved mine.
Dear People who hate me,
I don't know why you do but I'm sorry you feel that way. Personally, I have no time to be worried about the reason you feel that way. If you hate me, it's your choice to. If you want to make amends, you know how to contact me. Just so know the hate just pushes me to keep going forward so, feel how you want.
Dear Future Boyfriend,
First of all congrats for getting me to settle down. I developed a lot of issues from my first love. I don't know if you are someone in my life now or someone I meet later on but I'm sorry for putting through an emotional ring and if you somehow got me to make it official, you must be someone special. Just so you know be careful with me because I have delicate heart that has been shattered to a point where I just lost faith in the idea of love. You would be my first boyfriend and I honestly hope my last because if I get it into a relationship, I want the end game to be us.
The feeling of graduating
Graduation is supposed to be emotional and bittersweet but I didn't feel the way every high school movie described. In fact, I felt more relieved than anything because I just crave a change. Life seemed too predictable and even with the drama being forgiven and everyone (well almost everyone) moving past things, life seemed to moving at such a slow pace. I just crave to be around new people because the place where I was at just wasn't inspiring. Whenever I entered that building I just found myself becoming more and more drained. Even though I had good moments at times, the overall feeling of being in that school was toxic.
The next steps
I cannot predict the future but I’m taking small steps as I adjust into adulthood. My priorities is achieving everything I’ve dreamed of because at the end of the day you can only control what you do. Even though I am young, relationships just aren’t a top priority because I’m hoping when things are right, things will fall into place.
I’m excited for college and the changes that comes a lot with it because for years I just haven’t felt like myself, that I was just living someone else’s life. I haven’t found my place in the world but maybe college will bring me a step closer.
However right now I’m focusing on baby steps as in getting rid of papers from high school, securing a job for the summer, making plans for the summer and fall and just living life. Right now I’m just trying to build a future that I can be happy with and I’m determined to do so.
I’m sorry if this blog seemed very repetitive but this was just my plan to end senior year with open letters and it was so fun and I highly recommend you try it. If you enjoyed this blog please don’t forget to share it and be sure to check out previous posts. Thank you for reading and be sure to subscribe for updates.
Until next time,
xoxo Lay 💋