Episode No. 13
Where to listen:
What Inspired this Episode:
This episode was one of the topics I wanted to talk about because I was focusing my content on re-inventing ourselves. I was interested in the emotional part of change and why it feels so harsh when we try to do it. I think change is a complex topic because depending on your mindset you could make the experience of change a positive or negative change. Since I created this episode, I also learned about self-abandonment and I wanted to use the bonus content to discuss how that contributes to our resistance to change and share models of change that may help you on your personal development journey.
Questions I wanted to explore:
What is self-abandonment and how can it impact personal growth?
How can I identify if I am experiencing self-abandonment?
What are some common behaviors that indicate self-abandonment?
How does seeking validation from others relate to self-abandonment?
What steps can I take to overcome self-abandonment and reclaim my true self?
How does resistance to change manifest as self-abandonment?
What are the zones in Tom Senninger's Comfort Zone Model and how do they relate to personal growth?
How can I move from my comfort zone to my growth zone?
How does the fear of the unknown contribute to resistance to change?
What are some common phrases people use to resist change?
How can understanding self-abandonment improve my overall well-being?
What role does setting healthy boundaries play in preventing self-abandonment?
How can I stop abandoning myself to please others?
What are the stages of the Kübler-Ross Grief Model and how can they help in personal development?
How can the PDCA Cycle (Kaizen) be applied to personal growth and self-improvement?
Why is it important to prioritize self-care in the journey of self-discovery?
How can embracing change lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life?
What are practical steps to overcome resistance to change and reinvent myself?
How can reflecting on past relationships help in understanding self-abandonment?
Why is it important to value our own opinions and desires over seeking external approval?
How does self-abandonment affect personal growth?
What are the signs of self-abandonment?
How can I stop abandoning myself for others?
How can understanding self-abandonment improve my well-being?
How can I set healthy boundaries to prevent self-abandonment?
What are effective change models for life design and self-improvement?
How can I deal with fear of abandonment in relationships?
How can I embrace change and reinvent myself?
How do I change my life?
How can I improve my life?
Episode Description:
The theme of the week is Reinventing Yourself. Everyone craves change, especially in the New Year but what happens when the unknown creates unsettling emotions? Typically you start to self-sabotage and revert, so to prevent that stage, Lay discusses the uncomfortable parts of change through her experience and how she dealt with her resistance to change. The other content for this topic includes reinventing yourself while having low motivation and reinventing yourself after a healing era because while it is fun to talk about the glow-ups and the aesthetics it is important for these not as positive aspects of reinventing yourself to be addressed as well!
Stay tuned and please read the highlights to get a more direct version of what I am explaining.
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Music by Remil - Evening Tea - https://thmatc.co/?l=DFECB5D4
Section | Timestamp | Notes |
Introduction | 00:00 | -The topic of the week is reinventing yourself -YouTube video that supports this episode - |
Discomfort with Reinventing myself | 01:14 | -Spent a lot of time alone (isolation) -Not responsible for other people's perception of me -Pressure from family members -Risk of not having security -Could feel lonely -Seek out a mentor -Sought outside validation |
Tips for dealing with discomfort | 12:22 | -Learn What's in your control and what isn't -Realize your fear centered around discomfort -Have to learn to handle the things you want to become -Everything has a good |
Card Pull | 17:50 | -The four of wand (upright) |
What I'm grateful for | 19:36 | -Grateful for the growth, grateful for the support, and grateful to be happy to wake up |
BONUS CONTENT:
Resistance to change is a form of Self- Abandonment
How familiar are you with the concept of self-abandonment? Truthfully I just had my enlightenment over this, mostly because I was in the head space to really think about my life without judgment. One day in April, I had just finished my burnout book, I worked on my three 5-year plans and I was thinking about maybe my next steps should be to find a therapist because I was noticing how sensitive I would get about the topic of career and career development - borderline defensive and I hated that. I hated how reactive it made me and I hated the feelings that would come with it (feeling ashamed, embarrassed, inadequate, and confused).
So then I got to reflecting on why I stopped seeing a therapist because the last time I saw them was in High school. I still had a lot of stress after that chapter in my life but I never went again after the areas of life I spoke about the most shifted (my school environment and my longing for interpersonal relationships). I had 3 before I stopped. The last one I had was the worst one but it also made me create a standard on how I evaluate if a therapist is a good fit for me so I guess that is a lesson better learned sooner rather than later. The 2nd one was ok, I just didn't like the environment that much and felt no real connection, but she did help me learn about social anxiety. I still find my first therapist was the most insightful because through our sessions I learned more about the fear I had revolving around abandonment. Clearly, this is something I still think about because when it comes to my relationships (romantic or platonic) the following happened in the past:
I would do things out of my comfort zone to help them, but I would resent them if I didn't get their help when I asked
I know now can be viewed as seeing relationships as transactional but I still haven't been able to fully form an opinion on how to make it non-transactional while still believing there needs to be a balance of give and take.
Feelings of jealousy if they want new friends
When I was a teenager, I would feel like this was a sign of me not being enough to make someone happy or that I was not enough. As I matured I learned how to separate those feelings and learn to admire people when they want to grow their social circle. However, if something happens like changing our plans without telling me to include them or changing the plans to hang out with them instead when we had plans for a specific day, I don't take those things lightly and will slowly create space for me to figure out (a) how I feel and (b) what to do about it.
The dilemma of fighting for someone or not
So one period of my life, I would keep trying to figure out the reason why someone left. After that exhausting and emotionally abusive situation; it became a case-by-case basis of how much effort I would take to make a relationship work. Ultimately I would decide whether I find it worth it to bring up things or not based on whether I saw them being in my life for a long time. If I didn't, I would just stop talking much, wouldn't address what was bothering me, and leave it alone if I felt like I would never see them again and wouldn't make an effort to either.
There are probably other examples that I can't remember but even so, this relates to abandonment because I would either hold on to people longer than I should or I detach from the relationship without saying a word because I can sense when it is coming to an end. For me, detaching is a way for it to hurt less even if in the end it still does. Regardless of which direction I take, both of them originate from this fear of abandonment. For the longest time, I would try to pinpoint where and when this fear originated. I always thought maybe there was an event or someone else that made me fear it so much, but the truth was more unsettling: that it was me.
As long as I can I remember, I made my way of living by allowing other's views of life to create what I did about mine. I decided for something to be right, something else had to be wrong. When I decided I “had to” prove stereotypes wrong, that was my first misstep to valuing others' opinions over my beliefs. If my beliefs were really that strong and unshakeable, then why did I always work so hard to prove them to be correct? Who was that for besides my own ego that I didn't even know to exist? Once you begin to worry so much about being right, it dilutes your authentic purpose of just being.
Through my adolescent years, after having that innocent version of the world popped, I felt like that’s when all of that pressure started where I couldn’t just be me. When it came down to my existence, it wasn’t about me as an individual but me as a black girl. That I had to try hard to be quiet, agreeable, non-opinionated, hyper-feminine while also not appearing to be weak, intelligent, patient, understanding, etc. because my existence wasn’t just about me. Even if I was one person - I was a representation of black girls (because I didn’t want to be the reason people justify their stereotypes), a representation of my mother to not be trouble (because I never wanted someone to accuse the only parent I grew up with as not raising me good enough) and honestly I wanted to be a role model from a young age, to be as something good and someone who contributed something to the world.
At the same time, no one told me I had to be that way, at least not in those words, but everything I had seen in media at the time did influence why I thought that way (but that’s a different story for another time). However, the point of this rant is I abandoned myself before anyone else did. I never knew how much of the things I liked or enjoyed, the way I spoke or my actions were because those were just how I was or because it felt like that’s who I had to be.
Upon that discovery I asked myself this: Am I really that scared for people to leave or is it that if it was possible I would leave myself too?
In some ways, I might have, through seeking validation I have left myself. I left myself to be who I thought I needed to to be known as someone and have a better life (naturally, it is a sense of being in survival mode). I may not be able to physically abandon myself but on a psychological and emotional level, it is so easy to abandon ourselves.
When we crave to change ourselves, maybe it is not always from a place of self-hatred. When we resist that change, maybe it is so uncomfortable because it is coming back to ourselves ( the authentic and raw version) and apologizing for diluting them, not trusting them, and misleading them for the sake of trying to be like everyone else.
Obviously, we could pick up things (beliefs, hobbies, interests, mindsets) from others but it is our job to allow those things to just be pieces, not replicate a picture. Our lives are meant to be a mosaic design, a unique one that can only be created when we work with ourselves instead of against ourselves.
Self abandonment and the Ways We do it
Self-abandonment is the act of neglecting or ignoring one's own needs, desires, and feelings in order to please others or conform to external expectations. It often involves putting others' opinions and needs above one's own, leading to a loss of one's true self and personal identity.
Examples of ways we do this
Ignoring their own needs and prioritizing others' needs: People often neglect their own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs to cater to the demands and desires of others. This can lead to burnout and a sense of emptiness.
Suppressing their own feelings and emotions to avoid conflict: To keep the peace and avoid disagreements, individuals may hide their true feelings and emotions, which can lead to internalized stress and resentment.
Constantly seeking validation and approval from others: When individuals base their self-worth on external validation, they may compromise their own values and beliefs to gain approval from others, losing touch with their true selves.
Neglecting self-care and personal well-being: Self-abandonment often involves neglecting activities that promote personal health and well-being, such as exercise, nutritious eating, and adequate rest. This can result in physical and mental health issues.
Adopting others' beliefs and opinions without questioning: People may adopt the beliefs and opinions of friends, family, or society without critically evaluating them. This can lead to a loss of personal identity and authentic self-expression.
Sacrificing personal goals and dreams to meet others' expectations: Individuals may abandon their own aspirations to fulfill the expectations or wishes of others, leading to a life that feels unfulfilled and inauthentic.
Avoiding setting boundaries to avoid displeasing others: To avoid confrontation or rejection, people may fail to set personal boundaries, allowing others to overstep and take advantage of them.
Engaging in people-pleasing behaviors at the expense of their own happiness: Constantly trying to please others can lead to chronic stress and dissatisfaction as individuals neglect their own desires and happiness.
Feeling guilty for taking time for themselves: People may feel undeserving of self-care and leisure time, leading them to constantly put others first and never prioritize their own needs.
Neglecting their desires and passions: Individuals may ignore their own interests and hobbies, either because they feel they are not important or because they believe they should focus on more 'practical' or externally valued activities.
Allowing people to (directly or indirectly) make decisions for you: When you let others decide for you, you are prioritizing their opinions, desires, and judgments over your own. This can lead to a loss of your true self and personal identity, as you are not honoring your own needs, desires, and values. Over time, this behavior can result in feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction, and a sense of unfulfillment, as you are living a life that is not authentically yours.
Resistance to change: When individuals resist change, they may be neglecting opportunities for growth, self-improvement, and personal development. This can result in a sense of stagnation and a disconnection from one's true self and potential.
There are several ways in which resistance to change manifests as self-abandonment. In the podcast episode, I focused on these seven things:
Fear of the Unknown
Fear of Failure
Desire to Avoid Discomfort
External Expectations
Neglecting Personal Needs and Aspirations
Internal Conflict
Loss of Authentic Self
How to change
I am still learning about how to change, but I found so much research on change models that I find interesting due to my interest in lifestyle design. Below are some of the links I used to create this infographic. Most relate to business and career but I believe many could be applied to personal development. Also, I am including what it says on each Post-it note in the design.
Martha Beck's Four Phases of Human Metamorphosis
Dissolving: Losing current identity, feeling like everything is falling apart.
Imagining: Dreaming about new possibilities and setting new goals.
Re-forming: Implementing new plans, accepting failures.
Flying: Enjoying the payoff for hard work.
Joanne Lipman's Four-Stage Change Model
Search: Gathering information and exploring new fields.
Struggle: An uncomfortable period that is key to finding solutions.
Stop: Taking a break to allow ideas to coalesce.
Solution: Finding the solution and completing the transition.
William Bridges' Transition Model
Ending: Letting go of the old way, feeling loss and uncertainty.
Neutral Zone: Feeling anxious and confused, moving away from old ways but not fully embracing the new ones.
New Beginning: Embracing the new situation, developing a new identity.
Kurt Lewin's Three-Stage Model
Unfreeze: Preparing for change.
Change: Implementing the change.
Refreeze: Reinforcing the change to make it permanent.
ACE Cycle of Change
Awareness: Recognizing a gap between current and desired behaviors.
Choice: Evaluating options and creating a plan.
Execution: Implementing the chosen changes and overcoming obstacles.
Prosci’s ADKAR Model
Awareness: Understanding the need for change.
Desire: Wanting to participate and support the change.
Knowledge: Knowing how to change.
Ability: Implementing desired skills and behaviors.
Reinforcement: Sustaining the change.
Transtheoretical Model (TTM)
Precontemplation: Not intending to change soon.
Contemplation: Recognizing the need for change and considering it.
Preparation: Ready to act and taking small steps.
Action: Recently changed behavior and moving forward.
Maintenance: Sustaining the change and preventing relapse.
Termination: No longer desiring to return to old behaviors.
Kübler-Ross Grief Model
Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
PDCA Cycle (Kaizen)
Plan: Develop a hypothesis.
Do: Run an experiment.
Check: Evaluate results.
Act: Refine and start a new cycle.
Tom Senninger's model
Comfort Zone: The area where we feel safe and in control, characterized by routine and familiarity.
Fear Zone: Just outside the comfort zone, marked by lack of confidence and feelings of insecurity.
Learning Zone: Beyond the fear zone, where individuals acquire new skills and stretch their abilities.
Growth Zone: The area beyond the learning zone where individuals achieve their goals and realize their potential.
Research:
Reclaiming Your True Self: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Transformation
Self-abandonment can mess with our well-being and sense of identity. Recognizing and addressing these behaviors is super important for personal growth and living our most authentic lives. By understanding how we might be neglecting our own needs and desires to meet external expectations, we can start to reclaim our true selves and lead more fulfilling lives.
Reflecting on my own journey, I realized that I had abandoned myself long before anyone else did. I had allowed others' views of life to shape my own, valuing their opinions over my beliefs. This abandonment of my true self began in adolescence, as I tried to conform to stereotypes and external expectations. I wanted to be seen as a good representation of the various identities I held, but this led to a loss of my authentic self.
Through self-reflection, I came to understand that my fear of abandonment stemmed from my own actions of abandoning my true self. I realized that seeking validation from others caused me to lose touch with who I really was. I learned that true self-worth comes from within, not from external approval.
This journey isn't about perfection; it's about progress and self-awareness. Embracing change, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care are all essential steps in this process. By learning to value our own opinions and desires over seeking approval from others, we can boost our sense of self-worth and authenticity.
To dive deeper into this topic, I invite you to listen to the podcast episode. In the episode, we'll share personal stories, and give practical advice for breaking these patterns to change. Let's embark on this journey of self-discovery and transformation together. By making small, consistent changes, we can begin to live a life that's true to ourselves and aligned with our deepest values and aspirations.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it interesting. Also if you like my content it would mean the world to me if you would also subscribe to my YouTube channel, my Pinterest, and my TikTok account. On YouTube, I have the most inspirational content from Lifestyle Design posts to Digital "open when..." letters to boost your moods. I also keep a copy of my podcast episodes (which is also available on Spotify). I decided that I am honoring what feels right to me and continuously working on building the life of my dreams and helping others do the same. Don’t forget to share this if you feel inspired and I will have more content for you soon.
Until next time butterflies 🦋
Xoxo,
Lay 💋
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