
Episode No. 26

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BONUS CONTENT
Unlearning and Relearning: My Journey with Body Image

"You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously" - Sophia Bush
When I saw this quote as inspiration for this bonus content, it clicked - this is exactly what I wanted to talk about. I've discussed body image and weight four times throughout my content: three times when I was 19 years old ( “ Reminders for when you are struggling with body image”, “Let’s Talk about Body Image”, and My midsize YouTube video), and now in this podcast episode (which I highly recommend you listen to before continuing). This is an updated edition.
Before I begin, I want to provide a trigger warning because I'll be discussing fatphobia, health conversations online, mental health struggles, the body positivity movement, diets versus lifestyle changes, portion control, and various related topics. If any of these subjects trigger you, please stop reading now. This will be a raw, unfiltered version of my thoughts on these subjects. While I'll try to be mindful of my phrasing, I need to express my genuine feelings. Unless I'm quoting professional studies or articles about health or body image, I'm strictly speaking from personal experience.
In my blog post "Let's Talk about Body Image" I stated, "On this blog, everything I put out is a learning curve, and maybe that's my mindset for this point in time because nothing is guaranteed. I want to keep growing and expanding my views through experiences and becoming more educated." With this post, you'll likely notice a shift in my thinking. For full context and clarity, I recommend listening to the podcast episode first, where I covered all the factors that affected my relationship with food and body image - including beliefs, upbringing, poor health education, and more. Here, I want to focus on the emotional aspects of this health journey and how conversations about health influenced my approach.
The first thing I want to acknowledge is that I was afraid to say I wanted to lose weight. It sounds odd, but when you see society constantly discussing diet culture, fatphobia, and health at every size, you naturally want to avoid contributing to any negativity. So while I wanted to lose weight, it made me feel guilty. There were so many conversations happening around this topic that I couldn't even clearly engage with my own feelings and beliefs.
In 2021, I began seriously considering weight loss. I was 155 pounds at the time, largely due to my sedentary lifestyle - spending long hours doing computer work and struggling to balance school assignments with exercise plans. Despite my intentions to get healthier, I actually gained weight during this period. While there were brief moments of progress when I maintained a consistent exercise routine, I often found myself caught in a cycle of starting and stopping my health journey.
The stop-start cycle happened because, truthfully, I was overwhelmed.
I was in school, so all I cared about was succeeding and trying to set myself up so that when I graduated, I would be better positioned for a job and everything.
I felt I had this social responsibility to make new connections since so much of my college experience was spent in my room. So once we were in person, I was supposed to say yes to hanging out and having fun even if I was already overwhelmed with schoolwork because college was for networking, and if I didn't build connections, I would just set myself up to fail anyway post-graduation. (This was my thought back then, but for retelling purposes, I had to write it in a way that mirrored that version of me)
I was in a relationship, so I had to try to nurture it because for so long all I ever wanted was a boyfriend. So even though I was stressed to a point where I was hating so much about what I was becoming, it didn't matter because I didn't want to be like my family. After graduation, we could've done the life thing where we find jobs and move in together and get engaged and eventually married so I wouldn't be like them. (Well, that went down the drain but anyway.)
These responsibilities led me to neglect my well-being. From 2022 to 2023, my weight increased to the 160s, reaching about 170 pounds by November 2023. While people didn't treat me differently, I noticed that my increased stress and insecurities affected how I interacted with others.
Being 170 pounds on my petite frame (under 5'1") significantly impacted my daily life. My mobility was affected, especially given my pre-existing asthma. Simple activities like walking became challenging, and carrying my usual campus materials became physically demanding. The situation began affecting my social interactions, particularly when others would notice my slower pace.
While I didn't experience hateful comments or being excluded (actually being in a larger body I had a better social experience than being my skinniest size which was 105-110 pounds in high school, but that small size wasn't natural in my case), I often didn't want to be around people. Besides the fact I commonly feel drained by others because it feels like I have to be a very specific way to fit in and unconsciously I would go into people-pleasing tendencies, I felt ashamed.
It was like I resented my smaller body because of the extreme methods I went through to achieve it, but I also resented being larger because it felt like it wasn't me either. A huge part of my weight gain was because I felt like it was one of the only ways to keep the interactions I was having. I was caught between two extremes, neither of which felt authentic to who I truly wanted to be.
Being in a relationship fulfilled a deep desire I had, but it also complicated my relationship with food. My partner often expressed love through food - buying meals and planning food-centered dates. Our quality time revolved more around dining than activities. I found myself afraid to suggest alternatives or decline these food-focused gestures, worried it might affect his feelings toward me. This pattern was rooted in my own mental health challenges and past traumas. It wasn't until I began addressing these deeper emotional issues, rather than just focusing on food consumption, that I started making real progress in my health journey.
In this new era of womanhood, my perspective on health and body image has evolved. I've learned that health isn't determined by size alone - I experienced unhealthiness at both my smallest and largest. True health came when I understood that weight management isn't about starvation but about balanced choices. While being larger didn't diminish my worth as a person (because fat itself isn't inherently bad), I recognized that extremes in either direction can be harmful to health. The body positivity movement, though well-intentioned, actually hindered my progress because I used it to justify avoiding proper self-care.
I feel like conversations around health and food are often seen as black and white. While I acknowledge there might be biases in my current perspective that could change over time, embracing womanhood has truly helped heal my body image. I reached my goal weight milestone in December, and though it fluctuates, I no longer view these changes negatively or as reasons to give up. I've noticed seasonal patterns in my health journey - during fall and winter, my nutrition isn't as ideal (since I have fewer whole food options I enjoy, leading to more processed alternatives like protein shakes, and many of my preferred fruits are out of season. Winter seems better suited for vegetables, but I struggle with cooked ones, especially boiled ones, preferring raw options like carrots, cucumbers, and bell peppers). However, during these cooler months, I excel at maintaining consistent movement and regular workouts. Summer brings the opposite challenge - eating healthy comes naturally, but exercising becomes more challenging due to the heat.
However, with this awareness, I've learned to embrace the process rather than getting frustrated or falling into the stop-start cycle. During winter, I focus on discovering exercises that keep me motivated and exploring new activities. I dedicate more time to learning and experimenting - this winter specifically, my goal is to master meal prepping and rekindle my passion for cooking. When spring arrives, my approach to health will naturally shift, just as it will with each season, and I've come to see this natural evolution as something truly beautiful.
I view myself as a masterpiece regardless of my goals or weight fluctuations, because I maintain honest self-communication and consistently put effort into being 1% better each day - whether that's staying active or challenging myself to new standards. But viewing myself as complete doesn't mean I stop growing. When people ask what happens after reaching my goal weight, trying to discourage my journey, I explain that I'll focus on maintenance while exploring new horizons. Perhaps I'll learn to cook nutritious, budget-friendly meals from different cultures, or maybe I'll discover new ways to move my body through activities like ballet, figure skating, or gymnastics.
The point is when I started to see how I care for my body through the lens of something I value - creation and exploration - taking care of it became easier. I don't exercise because I am trying to make my body more socially acceptable, I do it because it is a way for me to create new experiences and ways of being. Working toward something creates excitement for me because I've fallen in love with the process of creating change and exploring possibilities. Just like how I approach my art and writing, there's beauty in the journey of creation. The same goes for cooking - it's another form of creation that nourishes both body and soul.
I believe it makes me a better person when I care for myself because when I exist in a body where I know I'm fully making an effort, I compare less. Creating a healthier relationship with my body is like creating any other piece of art - it takes time, patience, and dedication. I believe being insecure is one of the worst things that can happen because it alters your entire experience of the world. I also believe comparison is the action that helps drive it. In both my skinniest and largest state I was comparing so much more because I was always trying to measure up to those around me. At my skinniest it was about controlling something and at my heaviest it was about a lack of boundaries and in some ways people pleasing. I was restricted in a sense both times. Now I am so focused on my actions and the art of self-creation that I am comfortable with the outcome being whatever it is. I also welcome how things may look different and feel different at different points of the month so I feel so much more at ease within this process.
You can see yourself as both a masterpiece and a work in progress. My traits - determination, ambition, and openness to growth - make me a masterpiece. What makes me a work in progress is my ability to acknowledge that there will be changes throughout my lifetime and moments that challenge my way of thinking at that moment. I accept that those two things (being a masterpiece and being a work in progress) aren’t mutually exclusive, just like the other aspects of body image conversations. Wanting to lose weight in a healthy way doesn't make you fatphobic - it's a personal choice about your own body and health journey. Just as we respect others' choices about their bodies, we should respect our own desires for change when they come from a place of self-care rather than self-hatred. I believe in focusing on my own health journey rather than judging others' choices. The only exception when I would care about someone else's health choice is when considering a life partner since their health choices could affect our future family planning. This is why I care about whether a potential partner maintains balanced nutrition and healthy habits, while still allowing room for occasional indulgences.
Some articles on why a partner's health matters:
While I've aimed to address this topic sensitively, I've also stayed true to my authentic experience. I apologize if anything I've shared triggers difficult emotions, but I hope this helps illuminate the many complex layers of body image that often go unexplored in our society.
We rarely discuss how food-related struggles are uniquely challenging because, unlike other addictions, we can't completely avoid food - we need it to survive.
We often don't examine our relationship with food deeply enough - particularly the emotional reasons behind why we eat beyond physical nourishment.
We often fail to recognize that being physically full and feeling emotionally satisfied from eating are two distinct experiences that don't always align.
We don't fully address how the social aspects of eating, though often celebrated, can sometimes contribute to disordered eating patterns.
This list could continue, but I want to emphasize that I'm sharing my personal journey simply to contribute another perspective to this important conversation.
What Inspired this Episode:
I was on the couch in the living with my mom. She was watching TV and even though I wasn't focused on anything but my creation, a segment caught my attention. People assumed Lady Gaga was pregnant and had to shut down the rumors. She referenced a Taylor Swift song and Taylor also defended Lady Gaga by saying we shouldn't be commenting on each other bodies and we shouldn't have to justify our body changes. That reminded me that I wanted to do a video on new outfits for the summer on my YouTube channel but I couldn't feel comfortable in front of the camera. In addition to my personal feelings about how body image issue especially comes up in the summer, I wanted to have an honest conversation about the subject. There are so many conversations about weight loss goals, fat acceptance, body positivity, and body neutrality and I wanted to contribute a mindful approach to the conversation.
Questions I wanted to explore:
"How does body image change from teenage years to adulthood?"
"Why do women's bodies change in their 20s?"
"Body image struggles during life transitions"
"How to cope with body changes in womanhood"
"Why do I struggle with food and connection?"
"Body image and social eating relationship"
"How to handle body image anxiety in summer"
"Impact of childhood experiences on adult body image"
"Understanding emotional eating and social connections"
"How to heal relationship with food and body image"
"Body changes during college years normal?"
"Ways to build healthy relationship with food"
"Body image mental health connection"
"Why do I associate food with friendship?"
"How to overcome teenage body image trauma"
"Impact of social media on body perception"
"How to practice self-compassion during body changes"
"Managing body image expectations in relationships"
"Cultural influences on body image and eating habits"
"Ways to build confidence beyond physical appearance"
"Healthy boundaries with food and socializing"
"Body neutrality vs body positivity differences"
"Healing generational patterns with food and body image"
Episode Description:
Let's deep dive into the complex issue of body image, societal expectations, and self-perception. Sharing her journey of what led to her struggles with food, Lay provides a raw and honest account of her experiences. This episode traverses topics of body positivity, fat acceptance, weight loss, and the transition from girlhood to womanhood. It also addresses the multi-faceted reasons behind body changes and the societal structures contributing to our self-perception. Join us for this candid discussion that serves as a reminder that everyone has insecurities, and it's essential to address them gently and honestly.
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Music by Remil - Evening Tea - https://thmatc.co/?l=DFECB5D4
Section | Timestamp | Notes | |
Introduction | 00:00 | -Lady Gaga pregnancy rumors -People still comment on women's body - Summer and body anxiety | |
Why does the body change | 01:39 | -Stress and people's reaction to change
-Learning about the effects of hormones
-Society influences: The 9-5 and the
-Lack of food education
-Food insecurity
| |
Why is the conversation so hard | 24:10 | -The belief that it is a black-and-white conversation -Different points of confidence -Many things can be true at once -cultural and demographic influences -Personal responsibility and circumstances | |
Don't let bad body image ruin your summer + What I'm grateful for | 35:09 | ||
Card Pull | 38:12 |
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