Hey guys .
It's Lay.
How are you? I know usually for the last Saturday of the month I do a blog post on a celebrity/influencer that inspire me, but this week had to be a little different. I feel like when I started this blog my goal was to be completely honest and it still is so before I take a break from blogging, I feel like I owe an explanation. I've been doing a lot of thinking and realized how I've been feeling is really off.
The last time I felt like this was in November 2019 when I wrote about why I was struggling writing. Lucky for me this time, I don't feel burned out completely but I need the little flame I have left to finish off the semester strong and I need some time to just think, re-evaluate and refresh. This year is not what I pictured it to be when I wrote all of my goals in January. When COVID-19 began having more of presence in the news in February, I was worried due to having asthma . Then a weeks go by and we are officially quarantined, I didn't feel much about this because I am a natural homebody and I always find things to do so I'm never bored but I do miss seeing my friends and going out to eat.
I think the number one thing that is causing me to burn out is I just haven't felt like myself. School is really piling up because we are close to finals so my stress is high.With school I have 10 things on my list without even adding the actual tests. It feels like every day something new is due and I just don't have time for myself
One of my professors really crushed my dreams and I just don't know what I want to do anymore. Have you ever had a thing in your life that you've worked so hard towards and you basically been told you aren't good enough? It's probably the most soul crushing thing. People have been trying to cheer me up but the thing is it's hard to believe them when I don't feel as supported so it's hard to really think people believe in my dreams.
I want to feel secure so I can be ambitious towards my dreams, even if I am the only person supporting them.
I think mentally I have hit a rough patch.
I feel like somewhere along the way I just got so lost again and so caught up with other people that I feel really out of touch. I've let other people's opinions influence what I do and I hate it and I don't just mean with just my dreams. In the past, I let people's perspective outshine my own.
Someone told me they don't like me in braids that much, so I stopped wearing them.
Someone told me they like me thicker, so I've stopped working towards my goal body.
Someone told me my natural hair is too messy, so I don't wear it out.
Until now I didn't realize how my emotions built up. I have this issue where I have so much trouble saying what's on my mind to a point where I just shove it down.
I just need to take a step back and just really think about my wants.
I was already taking a break in May and I will use that time to just reset and get to know myself. I'm really excited for this because I feel like I've been feeling numb and all these emotions just hit me and I want to be my healthiest before I go back to giving tips and advice which is something I genuinely love doing.
If you feel the same way, I hope you'll join my self care challenge and give yourself time to revive yourself. I'm still hoping to put up 1-2 post in may but that's it.
I hope you are all healthy and not only taking care of yourself externally but intentionally as well. I am still going to posting on the site so remember to keep an eye on my gallery and keep checking in on my youtube channel (and subscribe).
Until next time,
xoxo Lay 💋
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