Hey guys.
It's Lay.
For today's blog I want to try something completely different but I have to be careful with what I say at the moment but I can't explain why until after June 26 so be sure to stay tuned for an interesting story. To be honest over the last week I was really miserable because of events that happened in my life and I was getting better until it got worse on May 29th which sucked since I was so excited that day to pick my college schedule and on top of that I was having a good morning till the thing I can't speak about yet happened.
Either way after last week, I was thinking about when I was happiest but I found myself struggling to even think of that so I went to deeper thought and specified to when I was happiest with myself. My mind travelled back to the summer of 2018. Let me just say that my junior year of high school was one of the best but worst years of my life. I had a lot of fun times and great moments yet lost so many people including my first love. The person who I believed was my first love was very complicated and after he hurt me and left me, I went back into this spiraling hole of depression.
He destroyed me but at the same time also gave me the push I needed in order to become better. I wanted to show him what he lost but at the same time I just wanted to be the person I dreamed of being.
I remember seeing this quote that talked about goals without purpose or a plan is just a dream. I was tired of dreaming and wishing and just waiting for life to fall together.
I guess the biggest thing I learned is regardless of whether or not you believe in a greater power, things don't just happen. There are sequences that make things happens as well as factors that stop thing from happening. Sometimes it's the world around but you also have to take responsibility where it's due.
This was my issue. I was never my own person. I was either the background character within someone else's life or the side character to the pretty friend and I constantly felt the need to have someone like me or have someone to want me to validate me. It took me a long time to figure out how dependent I was on other people. It was like I was living for other people and that isn't right. To feel like you just exist and for the most part be unhappy within most of the moments you exist. That is the definition of misery.
I was just kinda lost within myself and I just went to a dark place especially when the first guy I was genuinely in love with just left without reason. Being the insecure person I was, I just kept wondering what was wrong with me. Then it finally hit me that I was desperately unhappy and the only one who can fix that was me. I had to put myself in a position to work on myself because if I don't look out for me, no one will.
Sometimes it takes more than yourself to make a change. And that was it. I turned my depression, my sadness, my anger, my pain to energy to be greater than what people thought and be the person I know I am deep down.
I worked out every weekday, I wore less make up and took more actions to clear my skin, I ate more consistently and healthier. I was just living my best life and even though there was things that happened in the summer that pissed me off, it was things that I easily brushed off.
Of course if you couldn’t tell once I got back to school the weight of the world was just back on shoulders. I was in the same toxic environment, around the same toxic people , in a place where it was so infuriatingly biased and where the only way to fit in is to become as plastic as everyone else.
I refused to do that. So eventually I was back in the hole. And it took a lot to pull me out. This blog was one of the steps I took to pull me out, also getting another therapist (who also agreed my blogging was the perfect coping mechanism for me ) and now I’m just working on my body all over again and I’m hoping when I go to college I am able to keep going forward.
The other day when I was convincing my friends to join the gym because she was thinking about but because we are similar in the ways we see ourselves, she felt she wasn’t worth the effort to change and I told her “You are worth it. Do it because you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. You are a generous person who always worries about others being okay. Make yourself okay”. From that she started and she’s been feeling better than she had in a long time.
Actually pretty much all my friends has started their fitness journeys and I’m so proud of all of them. That is the type of energy I needed to surround myself. I remember at some point of my life I knew this person who would complain about how they look yet gave up so easily on trying to fix what they don’t like. Funny enough it was the same person who called me too negative, which I can admit being too negative towards myself but I was never negative towards people I truly cared about. Actually it was bad how much I put people before myself and I decided to follow my own advice.
Lately again I’ve been going to the gym with my friends and we push each other to keep going for the goals we want. Because of this and because other things that happened this week I haven’t really been on social media often but since finals are over I can truly focus on myself and things that make me happy like this blog.
I hope this blog motivates you and inspires you. This format is a bit different than my usual blog posts, kinda similar to the thoughts on blog without the additional story lines from other places. I might do this open diary format more depending on if it does what it’s supposed to which is give people the energy they need to be the best versions of themselves.
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Until next time,
xoxo Lay 💋