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OD: Dreams, Ambition and insecurities

Updated: Mar 27, 2021

Hey guys.

It's Lay.

So this weeks blog post, I wanted it to be more casual. I had many inspirations for writing this blog. I want to go through the different ideas starting with a twitter post that made me think a lot, talking about my own dreams, my insecurities with them, and my ambition driving me to still be going for my goals.

One thing that inspired me is I saw was a post on twitter that said "It's a pandemic. Not a productivity contest". It was interesting to go through the comments and honestly, I understand both sides of it. I think I feel really bad after reading the comments considering my last post was about productivity while working from home. It was written more from the perspective of a college student who needs to work from home. I understand everyone's experience is different in this but I felt like I should say that even if you are relaxing, that is still productive because you are doing what you need to get through this (which is a form of self-care btw) and you shouldn't feel bad for not doing the same thing as someone else. You are you and they are them. I think do what makes you happy and do what makes you feel fulfilled. Fulfillment isn't always a side hustle, it can just be something you enjoy like word puzzles, coloring, watching documentaries, listening to music, playing a game etc. just anything you like.

For me, I am doing things to a point where it's overwhelming and that anxiety is mostly from my school work. I love learning, but at a time like this doing all learning from home was mentally exhausting because the time I should be working and the time I should be relaxing just morphed together and there is no work-life balance. That's was what inspired last weeks post because honestly, everything was so exhausting. I felt like I was falling into a slump and I hate it.

The one thing keeping me going is doing things that I actually enjoy such as writing blog posts like this and learning more about video editing from starting a channel youtube (which you should subscribe to if you haven't already). Doing youtube is more of a hobby than a career choice. My actual dream career is owning a business that relates to skincare and wellness. However, prior to starting that, I would either like to be a journalist to write in a magazine or have a career in marketing or some public relations job. I feel like dreams aren't just a straight path and a person can have many careers in a lifetime. Nothing I want to do is set in stone, except for creating my own business. I've been watching so many entertainments such as the documentary "She did that". I'm not going to go into that since I talked about it in last weeks video while doing my make up and getting ready for the day.

The other one that inspired me was Self Made which is a limited series on Netflix about the life of Madam CJ Walker. Madam CJ Walker is known as the first female self-made millionaire. She was a woman of color and made hair products but more importantly uplifted African Americans and women.

A lot of people may not understand but seeing the representation and seeing what a person could achieve motivates me to keep going forward with my dreams no matter who tries to put me down. People especially from my high school always made me feel like it doesn't matter what I say or do or if I'm nowhere near intelligent. Yet if a teacher came around, they always repeated what I said and get the credit.

I was silent about that issue because it seemed like no matter what I did, when I spoke up, it was if my voice went to the voids of the Earth. So instead I chose silence.

"Silence is the only protection a colored woman can count on. And now that I finally learned to tell my story, I can't be silent anymore "

This line out of everything being said was the one that screamed at me because I feel like girls, especially black girls are still trained to be quiet because we don't want to fall into that ghetto, loud, having an attitude stereotype. So a lot of us try to hold ourselves to different standards to prove our intelligence and then we get called an Oreo (which is highly offensive).

All of this adds to my anxiety because I don't know how people see me, I don't know how many people will take what I want seriously and I don't know how many people will discredit my goals but then try to create the same thing.

So many people want to do a similar thing which is what makes what I want to do so difficult. Also coming from a place where I don't have any connection or have people who can loan me money from the start-up which makes it more of a challenge but watching that series really helped my insecurities. In the show, she has a rival that does have some advantage even though they are both doing the same thing. That character is based off of Annie Turbo Malone but the difference their relationship was much different than how the show portrays it. Both women ended up successful respectively in the industry, however since Annie lacked documentation, I read there is a possibility that Madam CJ Walker wasn't the first millionaire. Personally, it doesn't matter who was first because they both had difficult backgrounds and both were able to achieve success and wealth in a time of racial segregation and sexism.

My overall message is: It does not matter who wants to do the same as you because you will do it in your own way.

Dreams are such a complex thing but they are what give life meaning. You can't let your fears and insecurities slow down your ambition. Following the strategies will only get you so far. Your ambition, originality, and creativity will create a legacy.

These were just some of my thoughts and something that has been running through my head. Quarantine, as boring as it can get sometimes, it gave me a lot of time to just think about what I really want and what steps I want to take to get there. I am an over-thinker which is why I think so far ahead but I just see what I want so clearly. I'm also a visionary and idealist but I am also really strategic when it comes to achieving my goals. So I just needed to get some emotions out but if you relate to this or had these mixed feelings in the past, that this inspired you to keep going for your dreams. However keep in mind to go at your own pace, go for it when it feels right. There is no right age to try to achieve your dreams.

I hope everyone is safe, healthy, and mentally doing well. Be sure to like, comment and share if you enjoyed this blog post. Also, don't forget to share with friends and family or anyone you know that may need some encouragement.

Until next time,

xoxo Lay 💋

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