Why I'm struggling writing
Updated: Jun 12, 2020
So this blog was actually really hard to write, up until Thursday night I didn't have any inspiration to write but last night I realized it was something deeper than I thought. Last time I wrote it was about expectations and balance which was good because that is what I was thinking my issue was. I thought it was just about me being busy but it wasn't.
On Friday night, I decided I wanted to have a self-care night. I'm all about self-care nights for me have been I thing for years. When I took my bath last night I realized something. I used to have self-care nights as a way for me to escape. I had so much drama and stress and sadness follow me in high school that the only way for me to shut all that out was a self-care nights. I also used those nights also to put things into perspective. If I was having some form of issue I would just sit there just going through so many thoughts in order to get to a better place.
Last night was different. I had no thoughts, it wasn't like me trying to escape my everyday life. It was more like just me relaxing which I haven't been able to do honestly since I entered middle school. Ever since I left my middle school/ high school, it's like everything that was bringing me down disappeared from my life. Don't get me wrong, I still have stress but it isn't as damaging as my problems in high school were to my mental health.
Maybe I've just matured but overall I just feel like I'm at a different place in my life which kinda took a toll on my writing. I started this blog back in December 2018 when I posted the last day of the year to say goodbye to one of the most dramatic years I've ever had. However, I started planning this blog a month in advance because of everything that happened.
November 2018 was probably one of the best months of the year (along with the end of June, July, and August). First off, October 2018 was the worst October I've ever had which sucks because that's my birth month. I was ignored on my birthday and actually kind of alone since one of my best friends got sick after our school trip to the city and my other best friend wasn't in school because her mom graduated from job training (I was so happy for her because her mom is so sweet). Clearly I wasn't upset that they didn't come, it just sucked being in school but my best friend who I call "Other half" was there and brought me a gift (which was so sweet). I only saw her in homeroom and for lunch so the day itself was bad because of how invisible I was. Fast-forwarding to November, me and my best friends had a mission to make it a better month and we did: My best guy friend got a job, My grade won spirit week by getting 1st in all 4 categories (which was insane because this was one of the first times my grade actually came together because as a whole we were pretty divided) and my friends and I successfully planned our first friends giving (it is rare for us to be together at once). It was a good month until the last week. I had a mental break down and didn't go to school for the entire week, my friend's parent got sick and needed surgery and an old friend of mine was having surgery.
When I was at my worst, I decided I should make a blog again because writing was another way I escaped from my issues.
Basically, my point is now in the present I don't experience the issue that I used to. I determined that I am an emotional writer, I used writing as a coping mechanism and now that I genuinely feel better, it makes it harder. I am enjoying my life and living more in the moment in comparison to dwelling on the past and being anxious about the future thinking about the "what ifs".
I still love writing but am struggling. I feel like I started this blog because I was in a dark place and now that I finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel, I've been detached from my emotions. I also feel like I'm in the need of a new project which I want to plan before 2019. I'm not saying I'm quitting on this but I want to rebrand my blog match who I am now instead of who I was. I also want to feel motivated to write without worrying about who's reading this or how many views it gets.
So thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy this short typed blog because I wrote it in one shot, impulsively without doing any research or anything. I also feel like writer's block is something all bloggers can relate to and even average people can relate to the idea of a new setting in their lives. If you ever felt like this; stuck in some part of a field in your life whether it's a job, a hobby, a relationship, or something, did you stick it out or did you give up? If you gave up, what were the signs it was time to end it? If you stuck it out, what was your plan to improve it?
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Until next time,
xoxo Lay <3