OD: Judgement & Changes
How are you today?
Yes, I changed up the usual introduction because everything in my life feels so steady right now. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.
This entire blog is just going to be a free write because originally I was supposed to do a collab today but plans change. So since I was told that the day before I usually post I went into a complete panic because I just couldn't think of anything. I tried to turn to people on instagram to give some ideas but that failed as well. Thank you to the people who commented though. They tried to help.
Lately, I just been lacking inspiration and after hours of laying in my room, I realized that even though I want to create content to help others, I also need to sometimes produce content for my own inner peace which is why I decided an open diary would be perfect for today. I am going to talk about the general idea of judgement and changes but before I do I wanted to write something super special.
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still self-conscious of what people think of me which makes me afraid to do things. But you know the saying: don't let fear hold you back. So that's what I'm going to do. In a former blog, I wrote open letters but there was one I couldn't bring myself to write which is dear boyfriend.
I've never had one, just complications because it was always I like a guy who seems like they could possibly like me too but then they switch up on me and start acting different. Maybe they switch up because they were afraid of their own emotions and as an effect, I ended up being afraid of mine to a point where I became afraid to feel and even if I did it is hard to bring myself to be vulnerable. That changes now.
Ricardo this blog is dedicated to you and since you posted how you feel about me publically, I think it's only fair I do the same and if people ask about me and you, just send them this post.
You asked me " how do I feel about you". In three simple words: I love you. You are one of the best people in my life and I'm sorry that things haven't been easy with me. From when I was younger I always kept my emotions private because it just was safer especially given my experience with guys in the past. I was always was the person who caught feelings first and when you said you had feelings for me, in a way I just didn't know how to react. I've spent all of middle school being called too ugly, too fat and then still being rejected in high school after falling into bad habits just so I can be good enough.
I know you are tired of saying it's complicated but it is. I hate when people assume my feelings because they aren't me, they don't know how I think or what I been through and even telling them is different from them experiencing something on your own. I am not a user, a gold digger, whore and anything else people call me and I certainly don't lead you on. From the beginning, I've always been honest with you but sometimes I hold back on thing because I'm afraid for what will happen next.
So I'll state it clearly: I like you a lot actually love you but at the same time there are so many factors that keeps me from going forward in our relationship.
1) The last guy really damaged my heart to a point where I just lost faith in love and the thought of a relationship terrifies me. He just left without explanation and did so very easily it just makes me feel like I'm such a replaceable person and I just never want to put myself in position to be as vulnerable as I was.
2) I need my mom's approval. Even with her knowing part of the reason why I cut communication with a person who was in both our lives, you know what else would prevent her from being 100% on board with the relationship and it means so much.
3) When we dated (yes I am fully admitting it, we were dating in early January but we weren't official), I feel like I became more distant because I wasn't ready and I just don't want to do that with a relationship because if we made it official when I'm not ready, I'm afraid of what would happen and I don't want to lose you
4) I am about to start college and even if I get passed not allowing myself to feel deeper. College is a huge step and I kinda need to focus on that and have the freedom to figure myself out. Even if you love the me today, that doesn't mean you'll love the me tomorrow. It would be a lie to say I won't change and I need to be the person that makes me happiest and I need to be on my own to figure that out
Before I can be with someone, I need to be able to love myself and feel comfortable. This isn't me friendzoning you because I want to be with you but just when I'm ready which will take sometime. Certain things will also need to change. It would be unfair of me to ask you to wait so I am not going to even though yes I get jealous at times but I have to understand you are free to do what you want just like I am. Even though we aren't in a relationship, I am choosing not to talk to anyone, date anyone or do anything else with anyone because I am loyal to you (even though you piss me off 24/7) and you mean the world to me so I wouldn't do anything jeopardize having you in my life.
It took a lot of me to write that but with the career I want to go into I can't allow my fear of judgement to stop me from doing anything.
The first step of change is stepping out of your comfort zone so if you are reading this go to tell someone you love them, publish the story you were afraid to put out in the world and don't shy away from the world just because you are afraid of what people will think.
In the words of P!nk: There are critics everywhere
Don't live life trying to prove yourself, live life trying to improve yourself and be the best version of yourself. This was more of a personal blog but I still hope you enjoyed it. Be sure to check out previous blogs, share with friends and family and subscribe for updates.
Until next time,
xoxo Lay 💋