It’s lay .
I’m so sorry last weekend I didn’t post but I had a mini vacation and it was great to get away from heavily routined. Sometimes in life you need to change things up so that you can gain perspective. Anyways originally in honor of my birthday, I was going to do a blog post remembering my sweet 16 and going into what it was like and if it was worth it. Honestly I still think the blog post is a good idea but just not an idea right now.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about my blog, thinking about plans, thinking about the past and thinking about future. I can't tell what it exactly caused it. I've been doing so much reminiscing and it could be because I was turning older, that 18 is a big birthday because legally you are an adult, that it's the end of the year and closer to thanksgiving time and new years time.
Basically if you know me, you know I’m an over thinker and lowkey a perfectionist. However the ironic part is I also get extremely lazy at times and tend to procrastinate so I either try to finish even if it makes me exhausted or if I’m too tired to finish I get so upset with myself because I knew I could do better.
If I’m going to be honest I was extremely unhappy with how my blog was doing this month. On my Instagram I had so many unfollows and views on my blog post has gradually been the lowest it’s been since I started. It was so disheartening to see something I put so much time and effort into failing.
It hurt my confidence and I just couldn’t help to ask myself “what am I doing wrong”. The reality is I’m not doing anything wrong.
Yes, my blog may need some improvement but I just don’t have time at the moment.
Life is like yin and yang and one thing I noticed is when something’s are at it’s high, other things may not be doing as well. It’s not because you are bad it but for something to be really good, a majority of your focus has to go to it and as a result other things have focus drawn off of them.
This month I’ve been focusing heavily on my grades. College isn’t like high school because you are learning the subjects you are deeply interested in and that alone just makes me want to do better. In regards of my future being on the line, I want 100s and to excel in everything I do. But at some point, I do want a job or internship or to participate in a club and the truth is there’s no way I can be perfect at all those things and in time I’ll burn out.
I don’t know if you ever saw this post but I saw the triangle one so much as a kid but as I grew up, It became more like the decagon; however even the decagon isn't completely accurate.
The decagon leaves out so many key aspects like alone time, exercise/physical activity to maintain healthy, activities for your mental health, household chores (washing dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping etc.). Even the part about love life is subjective because some people may not be choosing to have a relationship at that point in their life. Also when they say food they are leaving out the part where you need to spend time going to the grocery store and some meals are harder to prepare than others. But food may not be in someone's balance because they could be ordering out or have someone to cook for them.
Being college student and a new yorker, you are always on the go so you usually have some form of take out which isn't that good for you or your wallet.
Honestly this new chapter of my life is just overwhelming in the sense that I feel like everything has been so crazy lately in terms of trying to align my priorities. Everything feels like I'm falling behind and honestly I really am trying my best because that's all a person can do.
There's no such thing as perfect and I'm pretty sure I spoke about this in former blog posts. Perfect is just something that forms from expectations. From when you are a little kid, society pushes the idea how you look and what role your supposed to play in society, sometimes parents has expectations of how they want you to be ( I've never experienced this personally but it does happen) and you have people that come into your life that has expectations of you like friends.
One of my favorite artists talks about is Melanie Martinez and to me her music style is the most unique I've heard. So songs I want to reference is from her latest album K-12 : Drama club, Lunchbox friends and Show and tell.
Drama club from my perspective was speaking about people who over exaggerate a situation and how she's expected to fulfill a certain role in society but she wants break the mold instead of fitting it. The reason why I say that is in the clip from her movie, Crybaby (her character from the first album) is playing a role she doesn't want to in her own drama club (which can be parallel to society). In the play, she's playing the traditional role of a women (ironing his clothes, following his lead etc.) but eventually she does her own thing to make the fellow others within her community realize how they are being controlled.
"They try to feed you lines that you have to memorize You always hide behind your Wizard of Oz disguise Do you even have a brain? You're sticking to a page You're faking all your pain, yeah, you're bleeding on a stage"
This is the line that demonstrates the idea of expectations of society. Society look towards someone that has more power and wealth to follow ideals that aren't morally correct but just have been passed down through generations. The ideas don't just end with gender, but this also applies to race, religion, body types etc. No matter what way you look at it society has form of expectation of you. Those expectations lead stereotypes and those stereotypes is dangerous and will continue to divide us no matter where you live.
The next example is Lunch Box friends which is basically about people who pretend to be your friend in order to gain something from you and once they got what they wanted they leave you. The " plastic" group in Crybaby's grade approach her so that she sits with them. The queen bee wants to gain information from cry baby and literally tell crybaby they can stay friends until 3 (which is the end of a typical school day). I'm not going to go off about this too much because my reason for choosing Show and tell is pretty similar. However before I go into explanation mode, the line that speaks to me most in Lunch Box is:
"Want a baby in the back with the man of their dreams That isn't the life for me Gotta look like a fuckin' damn Barbie Going on TV, people have high expectations of me Wanna be my best friend, then judge me"
That line follows this open diary theme of expectations but I'm not going to go into detail yet. Show and tell even though it is about fans an average person can take it as someone who says they love them but say and do things that make them feel hurt.
"Tell me you love me, but you treat me like I'm never there You say the cruelest words, and yes, they break my heart 'Cause I'm over here working my ass off"
In the pre chorus, she uses the word imperfect and human which are key terms. No matter how much someone love you (she uses it in the way of fans but because I want it to be more relatable I'm going to use examples that most people experience) they have these ideals of you where in reality you are human which means you are going to make mistakes and have failures and you don't need they extra discouragement when deep down you know you are trying your best. If it's parents, they should know times change and honestly because more and more people are becoming successful at a younger age than it was when they were your age, everything has grown more competitive now. There are kids taking harder courses at earlier age and the pressure starting from a young age is increasing more and more with each generation. If it's friends, friendships are hard to maintain when you have such expectations. When a person is feeling judge they take a step back, when a person feels neglected or like they aren't being heard they take a step back and both people in the friendship keep stepping back until there's so much distance that they cannot see eye to eye anymore. That distance is filled with both of your expectations, both of your heavy emotions and sometimes both of your pride and ego which ultimately leads to a friendship that's broken beyond repair. That issue of driving people apart also goes for lovers. When you are in a relationship, sometimes the expectations of one can make you lose yourself because you are intertwining your beliefs, lifestyle etc. with someone else but when one has expectations sometimes they may not feel like they're enough or sometimes the relationship becomes more toxic for one person than other. The other person may not see it because everything has a different perception and the best I can say is when you love someone and you see how the relationship impacts them in a negative way, do what's best for them at the moment even if it's not what's best for you because if you truly love them you would help them heal. When it comes to relationships whether it's friendships or more, you can't be selfish.
Moral of the post: Having standards is good, knowing what you want is good but there needs to be a balance between your expectations vs the reality may be different, in order to be better. Know there's a balance to the universe and try not to let your own expectations destroy something that has the potential to be more than what you imagine.
So I'm just going to finish off here because I wasn't expecting to use these song quotes as an example. It just kinda happened, same with the moral of the post. If you got this far in this post I'm really impressed because I know my thoughts on these topics were all over but that's kinda just how my brain is at the moment because I've been feeling extremely unbalanced the moment. I'll keep you guys updated and try to do my best to become a better blogger.
Until next time,
xoxo Lay 💋