Hey everyone,
I just wanted to create a casual letter to anyone who is struggling with self-worth or self-love. Originally, I was going to do a post about glow-up tips, but I wanted to take a moment and speak from my heart.
I started this post around Friday, February 9th because I felt a shift of energy. It was a new moon in Pieces and I spent the entire day just doing some reflecting, and I felt so much more mental clarity. That day, I realized that my self-perception had been negative because I was putting too much of my self-worth into the outcome I wanted. After deep reflection, I felt like what I was experiencing (stagnancy) was a test.
In 2022, I tried to pursue my dream of being a content creator, but things were not going the way I wanted them to. I wanted to make a series called Bloggingtines where I would create 14 days straight in February. Even 2 years later I think about it because it’s a reminder of my struggle to commit. It’s not that I don’t want to be a content creator or influencer. For a while, I kept up with it, and then all of a sudden, I found it hard to fulfill the execution process of every idea I had. Maybe it’s a mixture of guilt when I know there are bigger world issues, maybe it’s because I always overthink what I want to do or say and maybe there is a tiny voice in my head talking down about the future because it doesn’t know how much time is left because life feels like we are running through the pages of a history book. Regardless, the ideas of what I want to share and put out so I can live my dream is there but following through with bringing them to life is hard even without my previous excuses of not having enough time.
Now, I’m writing again on the week of February 26th, after coming out of a downward spiral for the past 2 weeks. February 24th was a full moon in Virgo and if you know anything about astrology full moons represent a time of letting go of what doesn’t serve you. Under the sign of Virgo, it asks to examine everything, so you can sort through your life, find order, and make firm plans for your future. A lot came out of that reflective period but the biggest lesson I concluded is that I am hyper-focusing on certain areas to a point it is delaying my progress. The energy I had was reflecting desperation because I wasn’t trusting my timing.
I had a thought the other day about the difference between desperation and ambition. I started to wonder when I started to get so desperate over the details of my life instead of simply living it. I used to describe myself as ambitious, but maybe I was wrong. On the coin of desire, there is desperation and ambition. When you are desperate you want something so badly, but the thing is ambitions are like that too. I know we were raised to think as desperate as a bad thing and ambitions as good, but I don’t think the two are that far off. Ambitions without boundaries are desperation. If you have to cross your morals to get what you want, it is no longer the case of ambition. Also, I think many of us are more desperate than anything else, including my past self.
We are desperate because many of us are just trying to stay grounded in a world that feels restless. We don’t stop and think about whether the things we are doing cross any personal values or beliefs because our time is filled with activities that prevent thinking. We are doing what we are supposed to do, doing what we are told to do because that is what is responsible. And when you aren’t living the life you think you should or doing things you thought you should be doing at [___] age, then you start to question your capabilities. You question if you are capable of being the person that you envision, if you’re capable of making something out of life or yourself. I feel like many of us are desperate to make the most of our time because when you do that it makes it feel like what we do is worth it and gives meaning to things that are a constant mystery.
I am going through a period of my life where it feels difficult to trust where I am. I feel terrified that I am running out of time to fulfill my vision. That I won’t get to make my mom’s life easier, that I won’t be recognized for my thoughts and findings, that I won’t have the things I always dreamed of and all the time I spent hoping and trying to achieve working towards what I thought I wanted would be wasted.
On the other end of being terrified, I feel grateful to have a time in my life like this. A time when I am still because I am honoring my values in recognition, health, and exploration. I feel like it’s common to take gap years before college and even though I haven’t done it myself, I sometimes wish I did. So how I think about my present reality is that this is a gap between doing what I felt was expected of me to evolve into the adult I want to be and figuring out the adult I want to be. There is not a lot of doing this year, at least in the ways that most people consider to be making progress, but there is a lot of evolution. This is the first time in my life I do not know what’s next. It has always been - go to school and do well, go to college and do well, but now I don’t know. I don’t know what job I want to do, I don’t know what role will provide the life I want to live, I don’t know what industry I want to be in anymore, I don’t know if I made the right choice in the past and that’s all okay.
“There is great power in not knowing. Not knowing what is next, not knowing what to decide, not knowing how you will make it to where you know you want and need to be. Every given moment contains within it doorways of opportunity, and when you choose to walk through one, you make realities available to you that were once invisible. When you do not know what is next, you enter the realm of infinite potential.”
The Pivot Year, Brianna Wiest
The quote above is from a book I am currently listening to and it served as a reminder that it is okay to be where I am because as long as I am intentional in my present, things will sort themselves out in time. I am a person who struggles with the perception of time because it feels like if I am not gaining from it, it’s a waste. People would always say “Time is money”, which in some sense is correct because time is a currency but unlike money, you can’t get it back. It is impossible to gain it back but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
I still think time is only wasted when there is nothing to gain from it but I expanded my definition of what is considered a gain. Of course, money is important but I also time is well spent with less obvious gains such as a lesson, an energy recharge, a connection, etc.
Those things are valuable because it adds to the experience of life and sometimes I forget that myself. So I am choosing to let go of worrying about time because if something is truly a problem - there is a solution for it, there is something I can do to help it and if I can’t, it’s not a problem and I don’t need to exhaust myself over it.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it interesting. Also if you like my content it would mean the world to me if you would also subscribe to my YouTube channel, my Pinterest, and my TikTok account. On YouTube, I have the most inspirational content from Lifestyle Design posts to Digital "open when..." letters to boost your moods. I also keep a copy of my podcast episodes (which is also available on Spotify). I decided that I am honoring what feels right to me and continuously working on building the life of my dreams and helping others do the same. Don’t forget to share this if you feel inspired and I will have more content for you soon.
Until next time butterflies 🦋
Xoxo,
Lay 💋